What is Mindfulness When it Comes to Physical Intimacy? and How do You Practice It?

What does it mean to practice mindfulness during sex?

How do I tell my partner what I want in bed?

How do I know what I want in bed in the first place?

Dr. Lily Zehner (she/her/hers) brought the fire during this talk about having the sex life you want - during quarantine and otherwise.

We talk about how to tap into what you want, how to communicate that to your partner(s), why solo play is so useful, why it’s important to seduce yourself, and a physical mindfulness exercise you can do at home.

From Dr. Lily Zehner:

Where are you right this moment? Not 5 minutes from now or 5 minutes ago, but right now?

Take a pause right here to put your phone down and check in with your senses. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, feel? Take a few breaths—slow inhale, longer exhale. When you’re ready, come back to this post.

Now more than ever, the practice of being in the moment, is vital. We are being pulled between the past and the future rapidly as we stand in time. Constantly battling between what if and why’d that happen?

The struggle is real. Even as a sex therapist who knows the importance of this practice, I am having to remind myself. Mindfulness is the single most important practice my clients will learn and utilize to improve not only their sex life, but their overall wellbeing.

Why? Because when you are somewhere else- not in your body- you can’t access the present moment, to feel the sensations that are being experienced. You miss the potential of pleasure, of information that can lead you towards or away what you are after.

The practice is to notice when you are in your head and bring yourself back to your body. The noticing is the first step. Then to find ways to return to yourself. Checking into your senses as you did earlier, is one tried and true way.

In the midst of play your brain begins pulling you, “What if I lose my job?” “How will I pay my bills?” “What if I get sick?” You can stay there, spinning. But, you can also begin to notice. You can begin to zero in on your play partner’s eyes, the warmth of their skin on yours, the taste of salt on their lips, the sound of breathing, the scent of your lit favorite candle.

This skill can be used everywhere, to help ground you amidst the chaotic uncertainty. I encourage you to notice when you are somewhere else, in the future or the past, and to gently come back to the here and now. I encourage you to be mindful, even when your mind is full.