How to Ask For What You Want In Life and in Bed (and why you should)

When I was five years old my mother stopped ordering for me at restaurants. I got shy, and looked down, and cried, and tried to get her to do it for me.

"You know what you want, Krystyna," she said to me.

"Ask for it."

There have been many times in my life where I knew what I wanted and I didn't ask for it - afraid of being too much or too demanding.

I know I'm not alone in this fear or my attempts to be more palatable to others. Opening a business where I connect with and serve womxn was the best thing I've ever done for a lot of reasons. One of which is that it really shone a light on what things I do to shrink myself and make myself smaller.

And I've watched other people do this too. I am a pelvic floor physical therapist, which means that I help both cis and trans women get back to the things that are important to them, without pain or restriction. Sometimes that is working out without leaking, sometimes that is having pleasurable sex, sometimes that is having both an active and safe pregnancy, sometimes that is playing with their kids without pain.

One time I was working with a trans woman after bottom surgery who could have an orgasm alone, but every time she tried to do it with a partner, she ended up in pain. I was trying to help her relax the muscles of her pelvis, but nothing was working.

She apologized and I asked her what for. She looked looked me in the eyes and said, "My biggest fear is that I will be hard for medical providers to work with."

This woman had had some really shitty experiences with doctors in the past. She had been dismissed and ignored and belittled.  And still she was apologizing for was making my job hard.

It sounds so obvious when you hear it out loud, but I know exactly how easy it is to defer to someone who is telling you they know what's best for you - whether that's a medical provider, your boss, or a sexual partner. Five years ago, I had a pelvic surgery from a surgeon that I met one time, who told me she had all the answers. She told me she knew what was best. She told me the surgery would help. I was literally in school learning to be a pelvic floor expert when I was led to let go of what I knew about my body and about medicine, and defer instead of advocate.

I was also afraid of being hard for medical providers to work with. Ultimately the surgery didn't help my symptoms, and the whole situation left me feeling helpless and unseen.

Another woman I worked with was having pain and light bleeding during penetrative sex, but when I checked out her pelvis there wasn't anything obvious that I thought could be causing it. I asked her if she was aroused before she had sex, and did she engage in foreplay? "Not really" she said. When I asked why, she replied "Oh, you know men, they just want to get off." I am not in the bedroom with people, and I have no idea how things play out in real time. I have no idea if this woman's partner really believed that or if she just believed that he believed that. What I do know is that woman was gritting her teeth and having sex that not only didn't get her off, but also caused her physical pain.

It's another example that may seem extreme, but it made me think about how many times I had consented to engage in sex I wasn't excited about, that left me unsatisfied, without either mentioning it to my partner or trying to change it. How many times had I heard my girlfriends talk about faking an orgasm so that it would be over or offering a blow job so they could go to sleep faster. How many women have I asked if they’re able to orgasm? And how many women have responded that they can do it alone, but not with their partner?

So I'm under no illusions about how hard it can be to break the habit of keeping your wants and desires to yourself in the name of making yourself small, and knowing that you're doing it isn't a one way ticket to cutting that shit out. When I offered to sit for this show, I was unsure if Tiffany would actually take me up on it. When she eventually called my bluff, I sat and brainstormed ideas for how to pose. All of them were of me, in the smallest shape I could get, legs and arms crossed, hiding my stomach and my genitals.

When the time came and I was sitting on this cold ass floor with Tiffany asking me how I wanted to pose, I thought of all of the women I've seen in my practice and known in my life. Those same women I've tried to give permission to take up space, to enjoy sex, to advocate for themselves in their healthcare, to be just enough as they are, and to ask for what they want.

And I did this pose instead.

So why do we do that making ourselves small shit? Why can't we just ask for what we want and need?

I obviously don't have it all figured out, but I think of asking for what I want is like flexing a muscle - it only gets stronger when I do it. So I send food back that isn't what I asked for, even if it isn't bad. I fire my doctor if we don't click, even though she seems smart. I ask for more money at work, even though I love what I do. And I ask for oral sex even though I could come without it.

I don't think that asking for cunnilingus is going to change the fact that sometimes I hold myself back. But I also didn't think that finding a new doctor was going to shape the way I practice medicine. Nor did I think that asking for a raise was going to springboard me into business ownership.

And never did I think that ordering my own food was going to teach me to ask for what I want.

*This was at an art event of my friend Tiffany Nickel’s in Denver, CO centering survivors of sexual assault and violence.